so i tried to do a cleanse…

With spring break around the corner (and by corner I mean I leave Friday) I decided last weekend that I wanted to detox my body. My schedule this month has been wild, and thus my diet has consisted of kale smoothies and my relationship with the gym has been tumultuous.

So I started clicking around Pinterest, enthralled by articles claiming to make you lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks (sketchy). Every cleanse I found seemed like it needed 45 ingredients or some fancy diet pill – that sounded essssspensive. But then I came across The Master Cleanse. It seemed simple enough, with minimal effort/cost. Plus, Beyonce’s done it so, yeah I was sold.

A week later, and I can confidently say that I tried to cleanse and I failed. And I blame life!! It’s not like I didn’t try, it’s just doing a full-blown juice cleanse was not practical for my life this week, but I’ll get to that later.

The Cleanse

The Master Cleanse is essentially a washing out of your insides (ha). You follow it for 7-10 days, and at the end you don’t technically lose actual weight, but instead lose water weight and potentially feel less bloated.

Every morning you drink a glass of salt water. Then throughout the day you drink the Lemonade. The Lemonade consisted of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. It sounds awful, but it’s actually not that bad! It tastes like spicy lemonade. Finally, at night you drink a cup of special tea (aka laxative tea).

Technically this is the whole thing, meaning you’re not supposed to eat at all for the duration of the cleanse. However, that is (a) unsafe and (b) impractical so I figured I would still eat, just as healthy a possible. OH and no alcohol (yep, you can guess how that went).

I know it sounds wild-and possibly the opposite of healthy-but I did do the research before! Most health and diet websites said that it wasn’t dangerous at all, but also not super effective for actual weight loss. They also said some downsides of the cleanse was that you are tired/cranky, which makes sense because you’re not eating any freakin’ solid food.

Still, my goal was to feel less bloated and curiosity pushed me to see how well this would work. Sunday night I purchased my lemonade ingredients and tea, and geared up for the week.

The Week

I knew the biggest issue would be eating super clean. I’m not saying I’m stuffing donuts in my mouth 24/7, but I do have a pretty devastating sweet tooth. I’m also in the process of completely cutting dairy out of my diet-which sucks because cheese is life-but I thought this cleanse would help get me on track.

Monday and Wednesday my morning class/afternoon internship schedule was the toughest. This was mostly do the damn snack basket at my internship (a teen center). I was able to dodge most of the Oreos and chips and instead grumpily cut up an apple with peanut butter.

For what food I did eat, it was mostly smoothies, salads, and veggie burgers. Even though I was more motivated at the beginning of the week, the hunger was easier to control at the end of the week. I felt like by the end, my appetite had curbed a decent amount and I wasn’t as inclined to snack on the couch from boredom.

I cheated, of course. Whether it was a Girl Scout Cookie my roommate brought home or a drunken plate of nachos, following a clean diet is tough. I have the mentality lately that at 21 years old, this is probably my last chance to indulge in shitty mood before my metabolism slows down and I have to go vegan/gluten-free/sugar-free/flavor-free forever.

My biggest fail was with the tea. I think I drank it once, maybe twice? I was so fearful of its effects that I put off drinking it, or would forget. *Warning: gonna get a little gross here.* So the tea’s supposed to induce a natural movement (catch the drift?) in 6-12 hours. That’s a large window of time!! The mystery of what it would do to my insides was just to much for me, haha.

Also, for some ungodly reason, this week involved SO MANY various drinking-related events. Tuesday night I got invited with some friends to bourbon cocktail competition in Portsmouth. I was the DD, so I only tried the cocktail samples, but I wasn’t going to turn down a fun night and tasty drinks for a stupid cleanse!! Plus I won the raffle 🙂 Now I have a Kettle One backpack I have no clue when I’m going to use.

As Saturday rolled around, I did feel a bit less bloated. I don’t think I lost any significant weight at all. My skin also was very glowy, but I honestly have no clue if that’s related, ha. My expectations weren’t very high though, considering a followed the cleanse instructions prettttttyyy loosely.

Annnnd The Conclusion

Jury’s still deciding on this one. On one hand, I’d say the cleanse was good because it did make me more conscious of what I was eating, and at the end I was less bloated and not hungry all the time.

On the other hand, it was nearly impossible to follow. As a student with classes, a job/internship, and a social life-just drinking spicy lemonade all day for 7 days is impractical. Also, the effects of the tea probably require a free morning, which I rarely have.

SO! I’d say try it if your curious. I decided I’m gonna keep following my hybrid-cleanse through this week: drinking the lemonade and striving to eat mostly fruits and veggies. Hopefully I can repair my relationship with the gym because I miss him. Wish me luck!


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