maybe i don’t want to be in love

I’ve basically spent the past 5 out of 6 years in a relationship. And I am DAMN tired.

I understand there’s people out there who love being in love. In some ways, I do too. The butterflies at the beginning… the attention when I need it most… the reliability of having that special person always there… the free food on dates… its great! It is. I have friends who have super chill and fun relationships where I low-key gag at the way they make googley eyes at each other.

But I’m starting to think relationships just aren’t my thing right now.

Maybe I’m being lazy, maybe I’m a being a brat, maybe I’m picking the wrong people (ha)- but I think everyone can agree that relationships are tiring. And being in love is exhausting.

My first long-term relationship was in high school

For about 2 and a half years. It was simple, he was sweet. Like many high school romances, it ended in flames near graduation as the dark cloud of college loomed and the laundry list of our other issues came to the surface.

I vowed to never get in a long-term relationship again. I hated feeling stuck and I couldn’t stand the pressure of having to constantly please someone, or consider them in my own decisions.

ANNNNNDddd a year later, at the end of my freshman year of college, I met the guy who would soon become my next long term boyfriend, this time for almost 2 years. That relationship was much more serious and mature in many ways, but ultimately the little problems became too big, and I just didn’t want to do it anymore.

Now it took me months~*months!!*~to realize this. (Truly–it’s a whole other post for a whole other time). For the purpose of this new anti-relationship stance, let’s just say at the end, I was over having a boyfriend.

It’s not the bad stuff I’m talking about, though.

Like yeah, I can sit here and say, I’m tired of the stupid fights, I’m tired of the jealousy, I’m tired of feeling stifled. But it’s really not that… It’s more that I do not, by any means, want to deal with the overwhelming, intense emotions **from both sides** that come with a relationship.

The thing is, I’m at a critical point in my life. I am about to be free to do pretty much whatever I want for the next few years… and I want to do it on my own, free from any outside influence.

I love my friends, and I want to focus on them. Times get tough, we make bad decisions, and I want a solid net to fall back on.

I haven’t spent decent time with my family in four years. I miss them more than I think I realize.

I don’t know where I’m going to be geographically come the fall. Providence (RI)? The Seacoast (NH)? Hell, even San Francisco is on my list.

All these things, paired with my absolute exhaustion from the past 6 years of emotional bullsh*t, have led me to realize that I am very comfortable and happy being single.

So am I a leper?

Are you reading this:

(a) laughing at me for slowly transitioning into an old spinster with 32 small dogs

(b) pitying me and my single-lady loneliness

(c) questioning if I’ve lost my cookies and if I’m about to go run the streets, burning my bras, yelling, “I DON’T NEED NO MAN!!”

Why don’t I want a nice, loving guy in my life?

My question to you: Why am I expected to want that?

Is being single illegal?

Let’s take a minute to talk about a movie I watched awhile back. It’s called The Lobster, and is really, really odd, but has an important message.

To keep it short, the movie takes place in a dystopian future where being single is against the law. In the society, single people are taken to this hotel to find a companion. If you don’t find someone in the alloted time, you get turned into an animal of your choice (hey, at least they let you choose). The plot develops, there’s a love story, etc. – it’s worth the watch if it sounds interesting to you.

What got me really thinking, though, was the idea of prohibiting being single. In reality, being single isn’t against the law, but it can sometimes feel like a crime…especially as we get older.

Society gives a pretty clear life path: find someone, date, get serious, move in together, get married, have babies, you know.

So what if someone deviates from that path? I will say we have become more accepting of non-conforming lifestyles. Still, questions arise when that your lone 38-year-old cousin at the family Christmas party shows up girlfriend-less again.

I think we’ve lost our sense of independence

Or just being okay being on our own. It seems like we are too quick to give into the pressure-from our friends, family, whoever or whatever-to find someone and start skipping down that cookie-cutter path.

I mean, everywhere you look there’s advertisement for a new dating app, a new book about dating in the 21st century, or a TV show trying to find true love for a contestant. It’s can feel like the world is screaming FALL IN LOVE ASAP.

But divorce rates are like, what? Over 50% now? That’s wild. Do you think that maybe we’re choosing our “life partner” a little too soon? Then later realizing, Crap… I do not like this human.

All I’m trying to do right now is find my independence. I want to be a little selfish and just focus on what makes me happy for now. If you’re single and stressing, or even in a bad relationship and stressing, maybe consider doing the same.

Who knows, the right person could come along tomorrow. But what’s most important is understanding that I’m in no rush to find them. Sure, there will probably be a point where all my friends have boyfriends and I’m killing it as 5th wheel on a double date, but WHO CARES. I’d rather let something happen naturally than freak out because I’m single on Valentine’s Day. I can buy my own damn chocolates.

So don’t force yourself into that white-picket fence life until your ready (or don’t do it all), and never forget it is SO possible to be happy on your own. 🙂


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